Since the end of last year, I have been having light thoughts, how can not get rid of, I guess it is particularly difficult when the depression attack. At that time I had an emotional breakdown, I didn't eat for two days, I lay in bed for two days and didn't get up, I didn't want to see anyone, and I couldn't be motivated by anything. The quality of sleep was very poor, tried Chinese medicine, western medicine and physical therapy, and even had self-harming behavior. Every day, I was obsessed with negative news and searched for ways to end my life. I have nothing to do all day, I'm so confused, I don't know what to do except play with my cell phone, and I'm depressed. I wonder if I have a mental problem. I used to sleep well, but now I always wake up early, and my appetite is not as good as before. My head is a mess, I feel that there is no point in living, I can't be happy, my mind is confused and full of unrealistic ideas. Although I want to die, but I don't have the courage to commit suicide, I just think about it, often fantasize about jumping from the window, taking a knife to commit suicide, cutting the arteries or jumping into the river, and I feel that I am particularly useless, like a waste of money.
Seriously, I've had suicidal thoughts in the past with the exact same symptoms as you, and it was excruciatingly painful. How did I get through it? One day at noon, I came home depressed, I hadn't eaten properly for many days and had no appetite at all. That day my parents had prepared hot pot for me, telling me to eat more. I saw them through the steaming hot pot, and it was like I suddenly woke up, thinking: what would they do if I died? How much would they blame themselves? How will they live? Who will support them? They have worked hard to raise me for many years, and I have yet to return the favor. Instead, I have used death to break their hearts, I am too irresponsible. From that day on, I made up my mind that I would try to live for them no matter how painful it was. At that time, I was so disheartened that I couldn't do anything, so I just carried on with the time, because I knew that as long as I lived they would have peace of mind. I said to myself that even if I had to die, I would have to wait until I was able to provide for them in their old age. It was this belief that got me through the toughest days. Later on, I was busy with my studies, and although I was still in pain, I got along with people more, and I slowly got over it on my own. Although I didn't succeed in committing suicide, I felt like I had died once before, and it was the invisible love of my parents that saved me, as they didn't even know that I had this horrible thought and painful experience. Since then, no matter how desperate things were, I never thought of suicide again, because I knew I was strong enough and the despair would always pass. Later, this pessimistic person began to find small blessings in life, a good meal, a flower, a word can make me feel happy. My heart is full of gratitude, though ordinary, I feel so good to be alive. Although I haven't met the right person yet, I am still happy, and I know that happiness is the attitude I choose, and has nothing to do with the outside. I would like to share this with you in despair, to light a lamp in the darkness. If you don't have loving parents, remember me as a light, and hope that one day you can pass this hope on to the next desperate person, to light that life-saving lamp for them, just like my parents unintentional love back then. I wish you all the happiness in the world.