Since I was a child, my jealousy is relatively heavy, especially in the study, if someone better than me, I am absolutely not willing to give in to softness, and as a result, some students have even become competitors. After work, the unit has a colleague learning ability is super strong, I feel that she is better than me in every way, the heart is particularly frustrated, her every move is difficult for me, after many years to slowly ease. Now I have met a big brother whom I admire, and he talks about his family life, making me envious and jealous, and even more dissatisfied with my own life. I would like to ask you teachers where this intense jealousy comes from.
Hi, I'm Yu the Heart Exploration Coach and I'm here today to talk to you about this topic.
Let's start with jealousy. Psychological studies have found that jealousy of those close to you is actually quite common and experienced by many people.
All of us have more or less low self-esteem because we always want to be better and achieve better results. However, it is inevitable to compare ourselves with others in life, and this comparison affects our self-perception, our emotional state and our expectations for the future. When things don't go our way, we often unconsciously let our emotions out because you're keen to get out of the negativity and back to normal as soon as possible and don't want to keep feeling bad. Jealousy could be one way you are trying to pull yourself out of the pain. Like you said, I refuse to give in to anyone who is better than me academically ......
We can ask ourselves, how do I feel inside when I compare myself to others?
On second thought, what is the inner need behind the refusal to admit defeat? What is the reason for frustration?
If the person being compared is more like yourself, the stronger that sense of comparison becomes. Because we feel like we all started at about the same point, so why should she be better than me. Essentially, it's our subjective feeling of unfairness, and every time we see them, it's like a reminder of our own failures.
It is true that we can easily see the bright side of other people, and it may be true. But like the "iceberg theory" says, you see only one-tenth of what floats on the surface of the water, maybe people start from a different place, resources you do not notice, or efforts you do not see ......
Everyone is in a different state of life and situation, and often comparisons only bring invisible anxiety and stress. Adler's subject separation tells us that you are you, he is he, others are living their own life, you do not have to follow the footsteps of others.
Next talk about acceptance. Everyone is imperfect and has a side they don't want to face, we can call it the dark side, that others don't accept and that they may not be able to stand. So we put on masks and pretend to be the way others like us, while we live our own lives. Like you wrote, it makes me envious and jealous and more dissatisfied with my own life.
We can ask ourselves, what do I think of other people's accomplishments and gains? Does it matter to me if others are doing well?
And then ask yourself, what would the ideal me look like? What can I do about it?
In fact, well-intentioned jealousy can remind us of our current situation and help us make timely adjustments and changes. At the same time, it can also help us find what we really lack and want, tap the potential and plan the direction of our efforts.
We can learn to replace jealousy with positive beliefs and face our anxiety directly. Instead of saying "I'm jealous of you", we can say "I appreciate you". Anxiety can sometimes be turned into motivation, pushing us to take action, to engage more with society, to believe that people around us can understand and support us, and to break old patterns of behavior.
Another thing to keep in mind: acceptance is not the same as liking. We often feel that acceptance is only possible if the status quo is ideal. In fact, acceptance is recognizing that the status quo exists and then no longer spending energy fighting it. Try saying to yourself, "I'm so jealous, but I accept myself."
Of course, we can also ask for help, because it's not easy to solve this matter right away if it bothers you. Find a trusted friend who can give you positive support and talk about it, or if you feel the need, seek a professional counselor, because emotions always have to have an outlet to relieve the depression and blockage inside.
We allow ourselves to be envious and jealous once in a while, and we also allow ourselves to be inadequate and lacking, because if we unconsciously deny one part of ourselves and only like the other part, the result is internal conflict and division, and that's how psychological conflict and suffering come about. But when you accept and like yourself unconditionally, you will live in harmony with yourself and express yourself more confidently.
Recommended book "Why Jealousy Makes You Look Bad