15-year-old female, failed the midterm, heart blocked, tossing and turning at night can not sleep, especially hate themselves.
This time the midterm assessment came out, than the simulation test is lower than the whole more than 40 points, I feel especially sorry for parents and teachers, like a big stone in the heart.
Always blame yourself, think you are too bad, originally the mental capacity is not strong, but also do not dare to talk to others, only all day to force a smile, the face hangs a smile in the heart but empty.
Sometimes emotions get out of control and you can't help but hurt yourself, knowing it's wrong, but it's the only way to calm down a little.
Seeing the blood ooze out instead makes you feel relieved and inexplicably better.
Now the state is so bad that I want to vomit when I see food, but I still insist on pretending to be fine, and I should laugh and eat.
As soon as I saw the look in my mom and dad's eyes, I wanted to hide and felt like I had simply made a mistake coming into this world.
I hated what was in front of me, and I hated myself even more.
Reading these words of yours suddenly reminded me of a writer who has gone away, Shi Tiesheng, I don't know if you've heard of him? He was in a wheelchair, but lived a particularly penetrating life.
Let me start by sharing with you a little snippet from my middle school days, maybe you can find some inspiration in it.
I was in the so-called "key class", and I had been lagging behind in math since elementary school, and the problem became more and more serious in middle school.
In the first year of junior high school, I was still able to get 70 or 80 points in math, but in the third year of junior high school, I fell directly into single digits, and every time I handed out the papers, there were always a lot of people who came around and asked, "How many points did you get?" I honestly said "three points".
Haha, they actually want a padded one for peace of mind.
This experience makes me want to talk to you about a couple of things that might help open your mind a bit.
First question: what does it mean to be disabled?
I used to think a disability was something physically or mentally wrong, like a broken arm or something.
But Stetson said that there are things that people can't do, and that limitation itself is a "disability".
It's good to understand it in a different way.
Second question: do you want to live as yourself or for others?
Where do you want to go in the future? Where is the direction of your life?
The question can also be asked differently: what is education? What is the nature of learning?
Is learning all about rankings and grades? Or is learning about growing up, becoming a fuller, truer person, and holding on to what is most precious to your heart?
If the purpose of learning becomes a mechanized competition, then we may really fall into the circle of "others are hell"!
There is another point involved here: how do you know yourself correctly? What is complete self-knowledge?
To put it simply, wholeness may be about embracing diversity.
If you fail this exam, it only means that you did not play well temporarily, and there are plenty of opportunities in the future, not one exam for life. The scores are just scratching the surface, your previous efforts and persistence now definitely mean something - without those efforts, you wouldn't even have a chance to stand at this intersection.
So what's right?
I guess it's about listening to the voice of your heart. Often, we have put ourselves in shackles, such as insisting on meeting the expectations of our parents, or blindly following the so-called "good".
Be brave and be yourself, though you may stumble along the way, because being yourself is approximately the same as pursuing freedom, and freedom means risk and responsibility. So many people only see the corner and not the whole picture.
Your existence has value in itself, there are millions of paths in life, schooling and exams are just one of them, not everyone has to go this way.
Don't feel like a "failure" just because you lost once, it could be the beginning of a turnaround - sift out the sand and the real gold will come out. Even if it doesn't come out, you're still not worthless, and you can build up a tower.
You just need to be yourself, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, work through it and leave the rest to time.
It's like waiting for a sunny day, just be patient and don't get too hung up on if and when it's going to be sunny.
When you see yourself through all this figuring out, change happens naturally and the heart does wonders. You don't need to feel alive by hurting yourself or prove anything by being good.
The fact that you exist is the best proof that it is as natural as drinking and eating, and requires no explanation at all.
I hope these words help, and that you can take your time to observe and learn, and learn about yourself through practice, and that change doesn't have to be rushed-knowledge itself catalyzes change.