I often feel insecure in relationships, and I'm also particularly prone to low self-esteem, always believing that I'm becoming less and less worthy of my significant other, and I'm always in a low mood. I'm not sure if this counts as a mental illness, but it's agonizing after every breakup, and it's been like this in almost every relationship, resulting in relationships that never lasted more than a year.
Hello my friend, I'm Yu the Heart Explorer Coach and I'm here today to talk to you about this topic.
This may be a "sense of unworthiness" at work. We always feel that we are not good enough in one way or another, and we are afraid that others will see our true selves, so we often put on masks and pretend to be good people; we will also deny our true needs and feelings, and we always say that we don't care about what we obviously want or what we want to do. All of these manifestations point to the "sense of unworthiness", the deeper reason is actually the inner "sense of shame" is playing tricks.
Think back to your childhood. When you first started to walk or hold chopsticks, did your mom always interrupt or stop you out of worry and anxiety? Over time, we develop self-judgments about new things, such as "I'll mess up" or "I can't do it right", which slowly deteriorates our self-efficacy, and as adults, we become vulnerable and, as you said, prone to low self-esteem, always feeling inferior to our partners.
We can try evaluating ourselves objectively, listing our strengths and weaknesses, bragging more about our strengths and accepting our weaknesses. Say to yourself: although I have shortcomings, I accept myself and love myself. Long-term practice boosts self-confidence and enhances self-efficacy, making us more confident that we can cope with various situations and affirming our potential.
It could also be a lack of security. According to Maslow's theory, "security" is the confidence that comes from being free from fear and anxiety, and allows a person to feel safe, free and able to meet current and future needs.
Looking back on growing up, if our relationship environments have been insecure, such as full of blame, punishment, or neglect, these experiences can affect us as we grow up.
This is because how we feel about relationships is often influenced by our inner view of ourselves and others. For example, when we feel bad about ourselves, we are prone to worry that others don't like or hate us; or when we feel emotions toward others, we are nervous about being found out, or even afraid of retaliation, leading to insecure relationships. These repressed emotions can make us uneasy, like the low mood you mentioned.
Thinking about childhood again, when you wanted to be close to your parents or made a request, did they respond with positive encouragement or serious rejection? If negative responses are often received, children can feel frustrated and neglected, an experience that makes us lack self-confidence and affects socialization and intimacy when we grow up, just like when you're miserable after a breakup.
We need to remind ourselves that we are grown up and that security can only be given by ourselves and no one else. As Adler said, past experience doesn't matter, it's what we make of it that counts.
Ask yourself: what does the ideal self and intimate relationship look like? What do I really need? What can I do to realize it?
Awareness is the first step to change, try to make peace with your emotions, when negative emotions come up, observe them quietly without judgment and let the emotions float away naturally like clouds or falling leaves. You can also use writing or drawing to heal, write or draw out your emotions and release them.
You can also try the "empty chair" method, which creates a safe atmosphere through role-playing and self-talk, connecting the past with the present, integrating thoughts and releasing bad feelings.
Of course, if the distress is severe, don't take it hard and seek help. Find a counselor or join a support group, because the inner shadows need to be seen and accepted in order for the negative thoughts to slowly fade away.
Go out more on weekends and get in touch with nature, listen to the birds, smell the flowers, feel the sunshine and the breeze. This can make the mood relaxed and happy, naturally more confident and calm.