I used to not be able to find a way to get myself together, and now even though I have great ideas to improve my life, I tend to not act on them and instead continue to hurt myself. This self-mutilating behavior seems to satisfy some kind of twisted psychological need I have, but I don't understand why I can't help doing it when I know it's wrong. What's wrong with me, why am I so stupid?
Hello owner! I can empathize with you when I see what you've shared, so I'm not the only one who can get caught in this cycle of uncontrollable self-harm?
When you think about it, this is not surprising at all. It's often difficult for people to be fully in control of their behavior, just as we can't force ourselves to study hard, work hard, or stay strong all the time. The body is like an automated machine that has its own habits and inertia, such as the habit of procrastination or avoidance. The "it" refers to our physical body, a being with physical instincts, while the "I" represents our ideal personality and values.
We always try to tame the primitive life force with our noble "personality", but this is like fighting with ourselves, which inevitably creates a sense of contradiction and frustration. Trying to conquer oneself is in itself a manifestation of the life force, but using the life force to suppress the life force doesn't work at all, logically speaking.
Now, let me try to put myself in your shoes and give you a few directions to think about. If I were you, I would ask myself these questions:
~ How do I really feel inside when I hurt my body?
(Is it pain with pleasure, or some other complex emotion?)
~What does this self-injurious behavior get me?
(Like attention from others, or other hidden benefits?)
~ Can I meet these needs in a healthier way?
(e.g., through love, fulfillment, or other means?)
~ Can I start by understanding this reactive response of the body and give it a little tolerance?
(Why aren't others like this? Did it develop this survival mode in the past under difficult circumstances?)
The fact that you're now actively seeking change shows that you're great and not stupid at all, but know how to love yourself. Just still exploring in confusion, which is normal, we all have similar struggles to a greater or lesser extent. Life is meant to be a process of constant renewal and creation, there is no end, only experience.
I believe in the resilience and potential of life to burst into itself in the midst of limitations and to break new ground when the conditions are right. Just like you want to change now, this is a manifestation of life force, your own light. It's not a bad idea to stop and take a good look at it:
～"Try to enjoy it from afar.
lit. view a mountain from the side and see the peaks on the other side (idiom); fig. looking across the country, one can see many things
Near and far, high and low.
not know the true face of Lushan Mountain.
It's just a matter of being here.
Perhaps we can never fully see through ourselves, but we can learn to understand. Life is not easy, like a mountain road with bumps and scenery.
Since life is like a landscape, and surely each has its own characteristics, why not learn to appreciate yourself?
April is a beautiful month on earth.
Peach blossoms are beginning to bloom in the mountain temples.
You are that unique peach blossom, just wait quietly for your own flowering time. Give life a little time to bloom naturally.